Ask a priest: I’ve been to Confession but don’t feel like God has forgiven me. What should I do?

For all the ink that has been spilled about the few people who go to Confession nowadays, there is something about the confessional that stays in the minds of observant Catholics. A person may not have crossed the threshold of a confessional for a good many years, but they probably still notice that threshold when they walk by, and they know they should go to Confession again… someday.

Sacramental Confession is a part of a healthy spiritual life. Some of its healthy effects are listed in the Catechism: “the regular confession of our venial sins helps us form our conscience, fight against evil tendencies, let ourselves be healed by Christ and progress in the life of the Spirit” (CCC 1458). Yet, when we try to make Confession a habit, we can run into certain difficulties that require extra help to overcome. One of those difficulties is the question posed by the reader.

Reconciliation in any relationship should help a person feel fresh and light again. Sacramental Confession can do the same in our relationship with God. We can’t presume that good feelings will always follow, though. There can be several causes for this. Let’s start with the most objective possible reason: we didn’t make a complete Confession last time.

It is sadly true that sometimes, when we go to Confession, we let our embarrassment over one sin or another get the better of us and we hold back from saying it when we’re confessing our other sins. A complete, or “integral” Confession requires us to name every mortal sin we can remember since our last good Confession for the simple reason that sincere sorrow requires that. We have to repent of everything we’ve done that has wounded our relationship with God, not just the sins we prefer to mention. If we’ve held a sin back, the door is still open to us to go back to Confession and complete the job. If this applies to you, go to your parish or online to get a good resource to examine your conscience, and go and make a good, complete Confession.

Perhaps, though, a person might feel anxious because they just can’t say for sure if they named every sin they should have, and they are afraid God is not forgiving them. To that I say, “Relax.” God does not withhold mercy because of our imperfect memories. We should not fear hidden sins lurking in our foggy memories. Even if we have forgotten sins from our past—which is most definitely true for all of us—God does not keep track of them like a detailed debt collector. “If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities, Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with you” (Psalm 130:3-4). We give him our sincere contrition today, and we leave the past to his mercy. If you’re confident that you are making as good a Confession as you think you reasonably can, then relax.

Similarly, though, a person might walk away from the confessional still feeling heavy because it is difficult for them to let go of their sense of guilt. Maybe that person’s image of God has been misshaped by bad relationships or poor ways others have taught them about God. Those can be corrected through good prayer, spiritual reading, and maybe an appointment or two with a priest in spiritual direction. Wherever one turns for help, we all need to exercise simple trust in God’s words, exercising the virtue of faith. Pray frequently with Psalm 51 or Micah 7:18-19, “Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity…? He does not retain his anger forever, because he delights in showing clemency. He will again have compassion upon us; he will tread our iniquities under foot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.” We can hold onto God’s words, even if they don’t produce any immediate feelings in us. We acknowledge that God has said them, so they are true. Sometimes when our feelings don’t line up with what is true, we must hold onto the truth, and our feelings will eventually follow.

Lastly, a person might not feel particularly lighter after Confession because the sacrament has become a good, regular part of their lives and they no longer need the emotional boost that was once more necessary for them. Overall, this is a good thing, but it can also call a person to be even more careful to make their repentance from the heart. Our list of sins can become repetitive from one Confession to the next because habits die hard, and our spiritual effort can benefit from a little boost. To that end, spiritual masters from the centuries say that some good prayer can remedy our complacency. Ponder the sufferings Christ accepted on your behalf or meditate on a crucifix while you prepare for Confession. That can be just the medicine needed.

All in all, the Sacrament of Confession is a sure source of forgiveness and a clear conscience because of the power of God’s mercy. He does not demand perfection in our memories or our sorrow, just a humble trust that he wipes away our sins and tells us, “Your faith has healed you” (Mark 5:34).