How can I get my family to come to Mass this Christmas without starting a fight?

As much as people look forward to the holidays, they often bring stresses as well, and family dynamics are among the greatest ones. That may have always been the case, but families currently experience greater divides between the generations than many might be able to remember. The differences from one generation to the next have many facets, but religious differences are among the strongest. A Pew study from 2017 measured that 52% of baby boomers saw Christmas as a religious holiday, compared to only 32% of millennials. Some, like myself, may be shocked to see that only half of baby boomers, some of whom are well into their 70s today, think of Christmas in religious terms. Nonetheless, that helps us understand that even smaller cohorts of younger generations are thinking in religious terms, and that is no less true of college-age adults right now.

If we layer this widening division on top of our nostalgic images of happy families and picture-perfect holidays, we are set up for disappointment. We naturally love our family members, but the idea of a happy family gathered around the living room has taken on something of a sacred ideal in our culture. Everybody is “supposed” to be smiling and happy at a holiday celebration, but is that ever the case? Perfectly united families are a bit of a fiction, it’s sad to say, and they always have been. Thus we have Jesus’ own words, “They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother” (Luke 12:53). Jesus wants the entire human family to be united in our communion with him, but he also knows that will not always be the case.

So how can we navigate these inherently religious holidays if we know that there are religious divides in our family? First, let’s keep our expectations realistic. If you know members of the family have drifted from practicing the faith, you can predict that it will come up when everyone is together. We need not seek conflicts (the Gospel is not served by being hard-headed) but, as St. Peter says, “Be prepared to give an account of the reason for your hope, in all gentleness and respect” (1 Peter 3:15). Your family members are their own individuals. Treat them as such. Have real conversations, but do your best not to get upset with them even if they get upset with you.

If you’re planning to host a get-together in your own home, then be a gracious host yet without apology for the faith that is central to this holiday. You get to set a faithful atmosphere if you so choose. Read aloud the story of Jesus’ birth from the Gospel of Luke before dinner is served or around the Christmas tree. Thank God for your food by leading grace before the meals. If some people are not believers, then it can be a good moment “to give an account of the reason for your hope.” If anyone has a problem with it, they can host next year.

If you will be spending Christmas at someone else’s home, like your adult child’s, then be a gracious guest and let the hosts be the hosts. Pray “in your inner room,” (Matt. 6:6) if no one leads grace before the meal. Even still, be sure to go to Mass yourself, without question. Your own relationship with Christ must be valued above all, yet do so again with graciousness and without apology. Invite others along, yet be ready to take a “No, thank you,” politely without getting upset. “Your kindness should be known to all” (Phil. 4:5).

We cannot expect, if one ever could, that our families will be united and will happily fill up a pew again at Mass this Christmas. If that is happily the case for you and your family, be grateful and pray for those for whom it is not. Yet if it’s not the case, remember that we celebrate Christmas because “the light shines in the darkness” (John 1:5). Come to Christ with your sorrow, and he will comfort you.